Revise English essay based on feedback

See the pictures below for the feedback and he paper

Process: For the expository essay, you will complete the following steps:

Revise and edit: See Unit VIII, Lesson 1, for techniques.
Read through your paper looking for structural concerns: See Unit IV, Lesson 5, for more on structural concerns. Be sure that you are satisfied with your paper as a whole before you do any detailed editing.
Read through your paper looking for grammar and stylistics: See Unit IV, Lesson 5, for more on grammar and stylistics. You may need to read your essay aloud or have someone else look over the essay to find all of your mistakes and awkward phrasings.
Submit a Writing Center request using the Writing Center Request Form in the student portal (optional). Have one of CSU’s trained Writing Specialists read through your essay before submission.